Keeping it Real: Parenting

The last few months have been stressful in the parenting department. Words like psychologist, ADHD, evaluation, tutor, anxiety and a handful of others have been on top of mind. As anyone can imagine, these things make parenting really, really stressful. For any of you that have been here, you know what I'm talking about, and I assure you...you're not alone.

Long story short, the Mini Fashionista has been dealing with some anxiety. She has a hard time focusing on her school work because she is worried about what kids around her are doing. As I mentioned in a previous post, reading and writing are coming more slowly (but they are coming) and she compares herself to others in a detrimental way... often setting high and unrealistic expectations. While she has tremendous self confidence in many areas, she lacks self compassion in others.

If you read the blog regularly, you know that my go-to resource for all things parenting is Positive Parenting Solutions. If you have children between the ages of 2 and 18 I highly recommend checking it out (the Online Gold program is what I recommend).

A few months ago, amidst, the stress and worry,  I listened to a one hour Expert Series in the Positive Parenting Solutions program on anxiety. The podcast was led by child psychologist Renee Jain of GoZen and it was, like all the information on PPS, so incredibly helpful.

A few highlights....

1) Worry is a natural and protective response. It is not bad to worry.
2) Reassuring your child that "everything will be okay" is not a helpful tool to cope with anxiety. Help them by labeling their feelings and emotions.
3) When your child is worried/anxious and you can't think of what to say. "I love you and you're safe" is always a good response.
4) The goal is not to be stress free, but to stress better.
5) Worry is exaggerated thinking. We should teach our kids not to be positive thinkers, but accurate thinkers.

Not only did I learn some great tips to help the Mini (and myself...let's be honest, we all deal with some level of worry and anxiety), but I was introduced to Renee's incredible website/tool, GoZen.
GoZen! provides informational programs to teach kids research-based coping, resilience, and happiness skills using online cartoon videos. The Mini Fashionista doesn't get a lot of screen time, so I knew she'd be up for watching the videos, regardless of the content.

Here's a look at the topics of some of the modules.

We've only gone through the whole program once, but I've already noticed on a number of instances where she refers to the concepts and strategies from the videos, so I know that she's paying attention and really absorbing the information. We will likely start it again in the coming weeks to re-inforce the strategies they provide. 

If you have a child that is experiencing worry/anxiety I highly recommend this tool! So far it has been extremely helpful for our family. Also, feel free to reach out with any questions about how we are using it. 

Since I've Been Gone

I apologize that it's been so long since my last post. I've been dealing with that thing called "life" lately and some additional stress added by parenting. I'll likely write a "Keeping it Real" post in the future, but for now I'll just say, "adulting is hard" and "parenting is really F***ing hard."

To get back into blogging I thought I'd share a few of the things I've been reading, wearing (or dreaming of wearing), and dreaming of in general.

READING
1. The Last Conversation You’ll Ever Need to Have About Eating Right- This pretty much sums up my philosophy on food.

2. Stop Asking About My Kid’s College Plans- An article for all parents to read

WEARING
This dress is adorable!

Bardot Ibiza Check Dress $109

I need these sunglasses...in back and tortoise. 

Quay After Hours $55

This is the perfect summer clutch. I'm seriously contemplating ordering one. 

Mark and Graham Palm Leaf Rounded Clutch $59

I got this suit for our upcoming Mexico trip, and it's fabulous! And it's on sale! (wish I got mine at this big of a price reduction...) 

DREAMING

I'm obsessed with this house. It's extremely similar to my house...but a lot bigger and a lot more $$$. A girl can dream. 

Keeping it Real: What to do When Your Kids Lie?

A few weeks ago when Katie and her family were here visiting the Mini Fashionista got into Katie's eyeshadow. And when I say "got into Katie's eyeshadow" I mean she took the brush and dug a hole into the blue eyeshadow.

When Katie approached her about it, she, like most kids her age would do, denied it. So what did I do?

These are the tough parenting moments when I don't always know how to react. Luckily, Positive Parenting Solutions, my go-to-resource for all things parenting, gave me the tools to feel more effective in the way I handled it.

I did NOT ask her "Did you get into Katie's eyeshadow"? That's a loaded question that ensures your child will lie to you, and you already know the answer, so it accomplishes nothing. Instead, I was very straightforward. I addressed what she did, told her I wasn't mad about what she did but sorry that she felt the need to lie about it. We talk regularly about how lying is worse than telling the truth about doing something bad.

What I did next was the important part of the response. I didn't have to question why she did what she did. I know. She is interested in makeup. She asked for a makeup kit for Christmas, but I didn't give her one. I didn't give her makeup because all I could envision was a pile of broken eyeshadow caked into her rug....

So, here's what I said, "I know you're interested in makeup. I'm guessing that's why you were playing with Katie's makeup. How about we make a deal? Anytime you want to play with makeup, just ask, and we can do it."

So, we got out my newest Beauty Counter eye palette, and we played makeup. I piled on tons of eyeshadow and bronzer, and she loved it.

She loved it until we had to take it off, and then she hated it. Her eyes were irritated from the washcloth, and the skin under her eyes was red and irritated too. I'm guessing she won't want to play makeup for a while again.

Here are the tips that Positive Parenting Solutions gives to handle lying and the tools I used (not perfectly but from memory) to handle the situation. I hope these will help you in handling similar situations with your children.

1. Keep calm and parent on. Watch how you respond to misbehavior and mistakes in your home, whether it’s spilled juice on the carpet or unfinished chores. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice – yes, it can be tough, but it’s possible. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.

2. Don’t set up a lie. If you can see piles of laundry on your daughter’s floor, don’t ask her if she’s cleaned up her room yet. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. If you know Evan hasn’t touched his homework, ask him, “What are your plans for finishing your homework?” Instead of “Where did all this mud come from?” ask, “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse. It also teaches a lesson of what they can do next time – sitting down with homework right after school or taking off their shoes in the mudroom instead of the living room – to avoid problems.

3. Get the whole truth. While we may want to put our child on the spot when we catch them in a lie, accusing or blaming them will only make things worse. Getting to the root of the problem and understanding why she couldn’t be honest with you will help you encourage your child to tell the truth in the future. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “that sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?” You can use the information you glean to help her be more truthful in the future.

4. Celebrate honesty. Even if you’re upset that there’s a sea of water on the bathroom floor because your daughter tried to give her dolls a bath in the sink, commend her for coming to you and telling the truth. Tell her, “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”

5. Delight in do-overs. Think of mistakes as a way to learn how to make better choices. When we stay calm and avoid yelling or punishing our kids for mistakes, our kids will be more likely to admit their slip-ups in the future. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas. If someone else was affected – maybe he broke his sister’s scooter – ask what he can do to make it right with the other party.

6. Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.

7. Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Keeping it Real: This Stage of Life. It's Hard.

This was posted in my Positive Parent Solutions Facebook Group a week or so ago. No matter what your age or how many children you have, being a mom is hard work. It's rewarding and joyful and precious and hard.

This is worth the read. Every. Last. Word.

"This stage of life. It’s hard, you guys.

I’m talking right now to you moms who are in your late 20's to mid 30’s. You have kids. Likely two, three, maybe four of them. They probably range in age from newborns to 7 or 8 year-olds. (Give or take a few, on all of the above mentioned stats).

In this stage of life, you are dealing with exhaustion. Mental, physical, and emotional.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with teething. With ear infections. With stomach viruses. You are juggling nap schedules, and feeding schedules and soccer schedules. A million balls you are juggling, and you probably feel like you are dropping most of them.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially. Guilt over being too harsh with your kids. Too lenient. Guilt that your house is clean, but your kids were ignored, or guilt that you enjoyed your children all day, and now your husband is coming home to filth. Guilt.

In this stage of life, you are bombarded daily with a whole host of decisions. Some of them life-changing, some of them not. None of them with clear cut answers. Do I vaccinate my kids? Do I not? Do I send them to public school? Homeschool? Charter school? Do I continue to breastfeed? Do I blow the budget so that I can buy all organic? Do I force my child to apologize, even though the apology will be insincere? You don’t know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel constant pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.

This stage of life is less and less about watching your friends get married and have babies, and more and more about standing by and witnessing your friends struggle in their marriage, and even get divorced. It’s a stage where you’ve got to put in the time and the effort and the work and the energy to make sure your OWN marriage stays healthy. And that’s good, but it’s hard, too. At this point, you or someone you know has experienced infertility. Miscarriages. Loss of a child.

It’s a stage where you are buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, packing up houses. And then you do it all again a few years later.

It’s a stage where your hormones are all of of whack. I mean, you’ve basically been pregnant, postpartum, or breastfeeding for the last ten years, right?

It’s a stage where you are struggling with identity. Is my entire identity “mommy”? Is there anything even left of me that isn’t about mothering? Is there something more glamorous I could have/should have done with my life? I LOOK like a mom now, don’t I? I totally do.

It’s a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it.

It’s a stage of life where you are overloaded. Constantly. You are overloaded with questions. Your children never stop asking them. You are overloaded with touch. Someone is constantly wanting to be held, holding on to you, hanging on you, touching you. You are overloaded with to-do’s. There is so much to do. It never ends. You are overloaded with worry. You are overloaded with THINGS. Your kids have way too many toys. You are overloaded with activities. You are overloaded with THOUGHTS (thoughts about how to not be so overloaded, perhaps?).

It’s hard.

So….what do you need to do to survive it all?

You need to ask for help.

You need to accept help when it’s given.

You need to not neglect your marriage. You need to put your kids down for bed early. Sit outside on the back porch with your husband, drink a glass of wine, and have a conversation.

You need girlfriends.

You need your mom.

You need older friends, who have been there and done that. Who can reassure you that you AREN’T screwing it all up as badly as you think you are.

You need to not feel bad about using your kids nap time every now and again to just do whatever the heck you want.

You need to lower your expectations….then probably lower them again.

You need to simplify. Simplify every single part of your life, as much as it can be simplified.

You need to learn how to say “no”.

You need to practice contentment

You need to be ok leaving your kids overnight, and going away somewhere. Anywhere.

You need to do something you enjoy, every day, even if it’s for no more than 15 minutes.

You need to pray. Girl, you need to pray.

You need a coffee you love, a wine you love, and a bubble bath that you love.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, you need to remember that…..

….this stage of life is beautiful, too. Like, really really beautiful. This is the stage of life where every single older person you ever meet tells you, “you’re going to miss this”. And you already know it’s true. It’s the stage where your kids love you more than they are EVER going to love you again, for the whole rest of your life. It’s the stage where they can fit their entire selves into your lap to snuggle…and they want to. It’s the stage where their biggest problems ARE ear infections and teething and stomach viruses, and you’re not having to deal yet with things like broken hearts or addiction or bullying. It’s the stage where you are learning to love your spouse in an entirely different….harder…..better…. way. The stage where you are learning together, being stretched together, shedding your selfishness together, and TRULY being made into “one”. It’s the stage where you get to see Christmas, Halloween through your kids eyes, and it’s so much more fun and magical than it would be just through your own eyes. It’s the stage where you get to watch your parents be grandparents…and they’re really good at it. It’s the stage of life filled with field trips, class parties, costumes, swim lessons, bubble baths, dance parties, loose teeth, and first steps. And those things are so fun. It’s the stage where you are young enough to have fun, and old enough to have obtained at least SOME wisdom. It’s SUCH a great stage.

But, man it’s hard."

-author unknown

Keeping it Real: Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I've debated whether or not to write this post. In fact, I started writing it back in November. That's how long it's been sitting here...but I finally decided to post it.

This post is about parenting and therefore, in part, it's about my daughter. I haven't asked her permission to write about her. She's six years old and knows the word "blog", but she has no idea what it means. I suppose I'm divulging something about her that she might wish to keep private, but I believe that keeping things private isn't always for the best.

In this case, I hope that sharing will open a conversation that helps me be a stronger parent and thus have a positive impact on her. I also hope it will provide some comfort to other parents who are experiencing similar struggles. I also want to preface this post by saying that there are parents who have struggles that are far more difficult. I also recognize that this is just the beginning of the parenting challenges.

My daughter is in her third year (first grade) at the French American International School in Portland. She learns nearly 100% in French by native French speakers and has English class a few times a week. In the French curriculum, first grade marks the beginning of more focused academic studies, and therefore the beginning of reading. At the start of the school year she did not read in English or in French (besides a handful of words in each language); while some kids in her school and in traditional American schools are reading. I've been told by teachers and other parents that children learn to read at different rates. It's often equated to walking...some kids walk at nine months and others at fifteen months. Some kids read at four and other have a hard time reading at seven. Despite being told that all kids learn at different rates, it's hard as a parent to see other kids accomplish something that your child cannot. It's hard to see your child struggle.

We had our first parent/teacher conference before Thanksgiving, and our daughter's teacher started off by saying that she is inquisitive, an excellent communicator, and that she participates willingly in all classroom activities, trying new things even if they challenge her. However, her reading and writing is progressing slowly and she struggles to stay focused during academic activities.

That was hard to hear.

One of the first things that popped into my mind after the conference,  something I tell her (and myself) often, "Comparison is the thief of joy." While I can spend time agonizing over my friend's social media posts of their children reading chapter books and writing their own letters to Santa, it won't change anything. Instead, I have to celebrate her progress, which she is making, no matter how small.

If you're in a similar situation and experiencing sadness and frustration like I have....I invite you to think back to when your child was learning to walk. Did you get frustrated or sad when he/she crawled or took a step and fell down? Did you think something was wrong with your child because another kid his/her age could already walk?

NO! Instead we celebrated every baby step...every tiny step. We told ourselves, as all parents do, "eventually my child will walk." So, I'm using this analogy to help reduce the stress associated with her reading and writing struggles. She will learn. It will happen. And along the way I'm going to celebrate every baby step.

I was a "straight A student" in high school and excelled academically in college and grad school. That said, I struggled in elementary school. I rushed through my work, and I made mistakes, but through that I learned abut the importance of work ethic. That struggle, that necessity to work hard to achieve followed me throughout my teenage years and early twenties, and it's what I attribute my adulthood success too. It's okay to struggle. It teaches you to hustle. It teaches you to work hard.

So this is the dialogue I am having with myself on a daily basis..."it's okay for her to struggle. She's young. She will learn to read and write. Celebrate the baby steps". And if we get further down this path and things are still not coming together, we will get her the help she needs to learn.

We have so much love for our children that it hurts. When they suffer, we suffer. When they're emotionally depleted, we feel the same. It's that love that drives our desires for them to succeed and to excel. It's that love that keeps us up at night.

This parenting gig is the hardest job I'll ever have, and I know it will only get harder, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Let's Talk About Sex

A few weeks ago I attended a "birds & bees & kids" talk given by Amy Lang at my daughter's school. I really appreciate that our school offers this these types of lectures, and I always try to attend.

She started the lecture by asking the parents about our experiences learning about sex and our bodies from our parents. The majority of the people had no recollection of "the talk", most said they learned from books or their friends and only a few people were taught that sex is a part of a loving healthy relationship. She recounted stories of a friend who was told sex meant "kissing with your tongue" (and subsequently thought she was pregnant for 6 months), of a friend who's parents referred to his penis as the "shamer" and a handful of other stories of misinformation.

Amy informed us that the US has the highest incidence of teenage pregnancy and STDs of any developed country, so clearly we are not doing our job educating our children about their bodies and their sexuality.

While this topic is uncomfortable for everyone, parents and children, it's a conversation that needs to be had, and Amy suggest as early as the age of five.

What does starting the conversation early accomplish? 
- It decreases the risk of childhood sexual assault (given the recent news headlines, this is reason enough to talk to your kids...no matter how uncomfortable it makes you).

- Children often receive contradictory information between their secular and religious educations, leaving them to question what to believe about sex and sometimes confusing them more. Open and honest communication about sex in families can help kids make sense of the mixed messages.

- Even if parents don’t feel competent in their delivery of sexual information, children receive and incorporate parental guidance with greater confidence than that from any other source.

- Parents remain the primary influences on sexual development in childhood, with siblings and sex education as close followers. During late childhood, a more powerful force – peer relationships – takes over parental influences that are vague or too late in delivery.

- Engaging in difficult conversations establishes trust and primes children to approach parents with future life challenges.

- Teaching about sex early and often contributes to a healthy sexual self-esteem. Parents may instill a realistic understanding of healthy intimate relationships.

Amy has written a few books herself (here) and recommends a handful of books to read to your children, beginning at a young age. Robie Harris writes the three most simple and straightforward. We own all three of them and have read the 4+ and are about to start the 7+. These books give your kids all the facts in a simple and age appropriate way.

Some of you may be shocked by this, but my 6 year old now knows exactly how babies are made. Her reaction was a bit comical at first..."you did that?...that's disgusting"...to which my response was "it's a normal part of a healthy, loving relationship." And that was that. The earlier you start the conversation, the easier and less awkward it will be. 

I feel thankful to have resources that help me to be a better parent, to create a safe and open dialogue in our family about uncomfortable topics,  to arm her with the knowledge necessary to protect herself and to have a healthy relationship with sexuality. 

wow. that's a lot for one post. If you have kids. check out the books. you won't be sorry. 

Keeping it Real: Parenting Problems

For those of you with children, or those of you who spend time around them, you know they are tough. The Mini Fashionista is strong willed. She is stubborn. She is demanding. She is irrational. All these behaviors are completely normal for a four year old, but they are really tough on her parents, especially me, the one who spends nearly all day, every day with her.

Summer seems to have been an especially challenging time for us. Maybe it's the absence of the routine that comes with school, or maybe it's that we are spending more time together because she is not in school. Whatever it is, it's not sustainable. The whining and the inability to listen and follow instructions is killing me. I imagine most parents with young children have similar challenges.

So, today I thought I would share a strategy we have been using lately to improve the Mini's behavior. This is not rocket science. It's a reward chart.

I printed it (download here). We filled it in. We established that in order to get her reward she has to receive three stars in each category. Last week was her first week, and she didn't have three stars in all five categories, so she didn't get the reward. We started over again with week two.

Here are the Mini's "Tasks".
1. Stay in bed at bedtime
2. Don't wake mom and dad up at night to go to the bathroom, get water, pull up covers, etc. (this is our toughest task)
3. Stay on stool while brushing teeth
4. Stay in chair during meals
5. No whining (we recognize "no whining" is probably unrealistic, we aim for a small amount)

Bedtime and mealtime are two of our most challenging and stressful parts of the day, The incentive of a reward is really helping The Mini to have better behavior and reducing the stress that we have during these times. I highly suggest trying this strategy to promote good behavior. So far it is working well for us, even if it's baby steps.

C&C in the Library

If you read our blog with any frequency, you know I love self-help books. I like personal improvement books, parenting books, etc (posts here and here). 

The Mini Fashionista and I have spent the last 5 days in DC visiting Katie (post to come), and with a 5 hour flight, I finally had time to finish this book that has been sitting on my bedside table for months. 

The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids who are Grounded, Generous and Smart About Money

If you want great insights on how to talk to your kids about money, then I highly recommend this book. It addresses things like homelessness, allowance, chores and many other topics. I have marked many a page and passage from this book and plan to be referring back to it for years to come. 

I also recently picked up two other books, the first I hope to read on the return flight to Portland. These came recommended by a marriage and family therapist that lead a "communication" seminar at a recent Board retreat I attended for my position with the Junior League of Portland. 

The Whole-Brain Child 

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert 

I will be sure to report back on these books! 

Keeping it Real

Katie and I grew up with parents that heavily stressed good manners.

We were taught to shake someone's hand (with a good, firm grip), look them in the eye and address them as Mr. or Mrs. until we were told otherwise.

We answered the telephone with a script, "Wilson residence, Regan speaking". 

We wrote thank you notes. 

We said please and thank you. 

We sat up straight without our elbows on the table (most of the time).

We asked to be excused.

We cleared our plates and put them in the dishwasher. 

My question is this, when did it become socially acceptable to be rude and disrespectful? Is it just me or have good manners become a thing of the past? This topic is on my brain because I drill into the Mini Fashionista on a daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word?) basis the importance of nice manners.

Just last week we were driving to an appointment and there was an unusual amount of traffic which was going to cause me to be about 5-10 minutes late. So I picked up my phone and called to let them know that I was going to be late. The Mini asked me "mommy, why did you say you are sorry? We only say sorry when we hit". Well yes, apologizing after hitting is important, but that is not the only time (the conversation went on).

While five minutes is a somewhat insignificant period of time, it's not really about the time. It's about having the courtesy to appreciate that everyone's time is precious and be respectful of that.

I'd like to make a few of my own observations about manners, or lack there of. And please remember, I do not admit to being perfect (Emily Post would surely have some suggestions), but I do make a concerted effort. And, I respect the fact that not everyone will agree with me on this topic.

1. It is not okay to leave a phone call/voicemail unanswered. EVER. Be it personal or professional. One of my biggest pet peeves during my time at Nike was this exact problem. Call people back.

2. Make introductions. If you are in a social setting and two people are not acquainted, introduce them as soon as possible.

3. Ask nicely. Say thank you.

4. Write thank you notes. If someone goes out of their way for you, hosts you for a dinner, makes a kind gesture, or gives you a gift, write a hand written note. Not a text. Not an email. A note. With pen and paper.

5. Write a thank you note(s) after an interview. If you really want a job, you should have enough time and motivation to do this.

6. Look people in the eye. Why is it that so many people cannot have an eye to eye conversation? I can't tell you how many times recently I have been talking to someone and they can't look me in the eye.

7. Shake hands when you meet someone. And please, please don't have a limp hand shake. There is nothing worse than a limp grip.

8. Don't be late. And if you are going to be late, pick up the phone and call, or at least, send a text. Be respectful of other people's time.

9. If someone has food in their teeth, tell them...likewise, if their underwear is caught in their skirt, they really should know.

10. And finally, put down the phone. I am writing this to tell myself as much as I am hoping to tell others. It is rude to constantly look at your phone as if there is something more important than the person/people in your company. Engage with them as if they matter. Because they do.

I believe that good manners begin at a young age. Children with bad manners are simply a result of parents with bad manners. As a parent, one of the best gifts you can give to your children is that of manners. Teach them young, and it will surely carry into their adult life and serve them well.

And may I say, thank you for reading.

Keeping it Real

Today's post focuses on the challenges of parenting. It's not an easy gig, but there are definitely tools to make it easier.

The Mini Fashionista is getting older and starting to ask a lot of questions, on challenging subjects. For these most challenging of topics,  I like to have a strategy. Sometimes my strategies come from blogs, like AHA Parenting.  I receive their daily email and find the articles extremely helpful. 

Recently, the book NurtureShock was recommended to me through the barre3 book club. I am not quite finished with it, but have devoured every chapter so far. The nice thing about this book is that each chapter addresses one single subject such as sibling rivalry, praise, race and intelligence. I highly recommend it 

I truly believe that the best way to address challenging subjects is by educating myself and then educating my child. In some cases that means books to read to her as well. Here are a few books I have purchased recently. 

"I Said No!" covers a variety of topics, including: what's appropriate and with whom and how to deal with inappropriate behavior, bribes and threats.

This book, A Rainbow of Friends, reminds children to celebrate their differences because that is what makes each of us so special.

Lastly, "Shades of People", explores of one of our most noticeable physical traits using vibrant photographs of children and a short text to inspire young children both to take notice and to look beyond the obvious.

Keeping It Real

As you may know, The Mini Fashionista is the wonderful age of two. And that means all the behaviors that come along with it; testing boundaries, finding her voice and exerting her power and place in this world. It’s a time of great discovery and development for her little brain, but also a time of great challenge for both of us as she learns the difference between right and wrong.

One of our recent challenges has been the act of saying “I’m sorry”. For whatever reason, she doesn’t like to do it. Maybe you’ve experienced this with your child. They do something wrong or hurtful and you want them to apologize, but they won’t. The Mini shows remorse, dropping her head, sometimes crying, but nine times out of ten, she refuses to apologize. Most of these instances involve minor accidents or general courtesies, so it’s not as if she bit the kid next to her and refuses to say she is sorry. Regardless of the severity of the incident, like all parents, I want her to learn and “feel” the emotions that come along with hurting someone and/or their feelings and the act of apologizing.

The challenge is this...I cannot force her to say “I’m sorry”.

After some thought, I’ve decided maybe it is better not to. Here is my reasoning. Forcing a child to apologize often results in fake apologies. We all know that kid that quickly and without any authenticity or care says “I’m sorry” just so he can be over and done with it. The apology is not at all genuine, and the child learns nothing about actually “feeling” sorry and showing remorse. That is definitely not the lesson I want to teach my child. Children need to learn that their actions have ramifications and they need to be willing to accept them, good and bad. So again, how do you teach that to a two year old? She isn’t exactly a rocket scientist...not yet, at least!

A friend of mine told me that at her child’s school, they don’t force kids to say “I’m sorry”. Instead they encourage actions that are a display of care and remorse such as painting a picture and giving a hug or a high five. Yes, this is a bit touchy feely, but isn’t that what apologies are all about? You sure “feel” a lot more remorse when someone gives you a big hug than you do when they say “my apologies or I’m sorry”. In this case, like in so many others, actions speak louder than words.

Clearly, I am no expert. I am not a child psychologist, and I don’t pretend to know any more about raising a happy, healthy and caring child than any other mom. But, I will refer back to a term I have used a lot lately, I am “aware”. I am aware of my child’s behavior now, and I know how my reactions to her behavior will shape her future behavior. So for that reason, I put a lot of thought into these types of situations. And that seems like a good start.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially those of you with older children. Did you have similar struggles? What strategies did you find most successful?

These Are The Moments

I've posted a number of times about the challenges of being a parent to a toddler, and by no means do I want people to think I'm complaining. My goal is simply to let other moms know they are not alone in their struggles and to "Keep it Real."

During my 40+ miles of walking in San Francisco, I saw hundreds of mothers with their children. These moms were just like me: wearing their workout clothes and taking their kids on walks, to the park, to a coffee shop, etc. Despite the freedom I felt during those five days without the Mini Fashionista, it really made me appreciate my life. My time away gave me a bit of perspective...

The saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is a good way to sum things up. You see, I don't know anything other than being a "stay-at-home" mom. Which, by the way, I've decided to call myself an "On-the-Go" mom instead. It's a much better description of how I spend my days. Back to my point... because this is the only type of parenting I know, it's easy to take it for granted. Had I started out as a full-time working mother, and then left the working world, I think I would have more appreciation for my chance to be at home with the Mini.

Despite being a constant challenge, it is a also a complete joy to learn and grow with her. I have no doubt that these are the moments I will remember all my life, not the ones I spent at work.

So instead of showing you a smoothie splattered all over my kitchen, today's post includes a few of my favorite moments from recent adventures with The Mini. Being an "On-the-go" mom is the hardest job I've ever had, but it's also by far the most fun and the most rewarding!

A walk on the Water front

Playing in the fountain at Jamison Square

Eating strawberries from our garden

Coloring with dot paint

Picking strawberries on Sauvie Island

Riding in a fire engine...I bet you didn't know that Fire Engines carry water and Fire Trucks carry ladders!

Keeping It Real

Today's "Keeping It Real" post is mostly for the mom readers. This is an excerpt from an editorial written by Steve Wiens for the Huffington Post that resonated strongly with me . I think it's a nice reminder for all moms that we are doing the best we can. Because some days, the smoothie ends up all over the kitchen, the counter and your laptop and you do everything you can just to keep it together. Which in this case involved taking a picture of the Mini Fashionista freaking out! 

"If you are a parent of small children, you know that there are moments of spectacular delight, and you can't believe you get to be around these little people. But let me be the one who says the following things out loud:

You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out a way for your children to eat as healthy as your friend's children do. She's obviously using a bizarre and probably illegal form of hypnotism.

You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. You have little dictators living in your house. If someone else talked to you like that, they'd be put in prison.

You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences in real time for every single act of terrorism that they so creatively devise.

You are not a terrible parent if you'd rather be at work.

You are not a terrible parent if you just can't wait for them to go to bed.

You are not a terrible parent if the sound of their voices sometimes makes you want to drink and never stop.

You're not a terrible parent.

You're an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all. We all need to admit that one of the casualties specific to our information saturated culture is that we have sky-scraper standards for parenting, where we feel like we're failing horribly if we feed our children chicken nuggets and we let them watch TV in the morning.

One of the reasons we are so exhausted is that we are oversaturated with information about the kind of parents we should be.

So, maybe it's time to stop reading the blogs that tell you how to raise the next president who knows how to read when she's 3 and who cooks, not only eats, her vegetables. Maybe it's time to embrace being the kind of parent who says sorry when you yell. Who models what it's like to take time for yourself. "

So next time you have a "smoothie" moment and want to ship your child to Siberia, take a deep breath and remember you are not a terrible parent. 

The Balancing Act

I know I've been straying from fashion a bit lately, but I also know (or I think) that many of our readers enjoy reading about something a little "meatier" every now and again.

This is a good time to remind you that on Friday we posted a link to a C&C evaluation survey. We would really appreciate your feedback. It will help us in the future to keep things interesting and inspiring. So, if you prefer the more mindless fashion posts, let us know that too! It will only take a few minutes of your time...

Back to Today's Post. As you know from recent posts, like many women I struggle to balance my desire for a professional career and my desire to be at home with the Mini Fashionista. My friend Michele has shared the same struggles.

Like me, she left the professional world to stay at home with her two children.  Now that her girls are a little older, and in school part time, she wanted to find part time work that got her out of her yoga pants (That sounds familiar)!

After briefly looking at job postings, she realized there were no quality part-time jobs that paid enough to even cover the cost of a babysitter. Then she discovered J. Hilburn. What is J. Hilburn? I said the same thing when she told me about it.

J. Hilburn is a direct-sales company that specializes in "luxury within reach" menswear. They offer custom shirts, personalized suits and a whole line of ready-to-wear clothing such as shorts, polos, sweaters, AG Jeans and much more. This guy looks pretty dang good to me! Love the polka dot pocket square!

I digress...Michele's job with J.Hilburn is similar to being an Arbonne or Stella and Dot representative (to give it some context). Although she claims that men are a much easier clientele!! She divides her time between sales activities (setting appointments with clients, meeting with clients, planning wardrobe selections etc...) and team building activities (having coffee dates and networking), and she works about 5-10 hours per week!

So why am I sharing this with C&C readers? Well, first of all, J.Hilburn offers really nice menswear, and maybe your +1 needs a little wardrobe refresher! Secondly, some of you may be just like Michele and are looking for a part time job that allows you to stay at home with your children! How cool would it be if this post helped you make the leap from your full time career?

If you or a friend are looking for a fun and flexible career opportunity, feel free to reach out to Michele (michele.scharg@jhilburnpartner.com). She can give you all the details! And maybe the guy in the polka dot pocket square will show up on your doorstep...that wouldn't be half bad either.

Keeping It Real

Lately I've been all about the "keeping it real" posts.

I try (key word) not to over share when it comes to my personal life, my beliefs, etc., but I think this is a topic worth bringing some thought to. A while back, after a long day, I made this post on my facebook page, knowing full well I would get plenty of responses...

"Any other moms wonder why you spent all those years in college and grad school just to spend most of your day doing "jobs" that require no education at all....cleaning, dog walking, laundry, etc. 
I'm sure I'll use my brain again someday!"

You see, since leaving my "traditional" 8-5 job and becoming, for the most part, a stay at home mom, I've struggled with my identity. I think it can officially be called an identify crisis. I spent all of my childhood, teens and twenties striving towards a personal goal; first it was college, then it was medical school, then it became graduate school and a job at Nike, and the next job at Nike, and then my own business...Sport Lab Ltd.

And then, I had a baby, and suddenly those kinds of goals weren't as important to me anymore, at least for the time being. But two years into motherhood I still find it hard to let go of who I was and the job I had, and there are times when I miss being in the professional world 5 days a week.

So, why is that? Maybe it's because the majority of my friends are professional, working women or maybe it's because our generation was told we could be anything: a doctor, an astronaut, an engineer, or even President; and never did that "anything" statement include being a stay-at-home mom.
Or maybe it's because despite being a pretty secure person, this is one of my insecurities...

Whatever the reason, I am constantly evaluating my place in the professional world and my place as a mother. I think for all women (okay...most) there will always be a struggle to balance work and family.   I will always be challenged to balance the drive and motivation I have to achieve in a professional environment with my love for my child and the flexibility my family has because I don't have a professional career.

So after all of that... there is no resolution to this post, but I thought I would share some recent books and articles that shed more light on this struggle that so many women experience. A friendly reminder for all of us, whatever your decision is... to work or not to work.. we as women should support one another and respect each other's choices, even if they are different from our own.

And let me add. Being a "stay-at-home mom" is by far the most difficult job I have ever had. No question!

Now for some light reading:

What Not to Say To Working Moms vs. Stay-At-Home Moms: What You Should NEVER Say To Them


Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood by Samantha Parent Walravens
Striking the right balance between career and motherhood is one of the most stressful, heart-wrenching tasks facing women today. In Torn, forty-six women examine the conflict between the need to nurture and the need to work, and reveal creative solutions for having the best of both worlds. The stories in the collection offer hope and inspiration, but they also reveal the messy realities of modern motherhood and life's inevitable crises, both small and large: from breast pump mishaps to battles with cancer; diaper blowouts to debilitating depression; competitive cupcake baking to coming home from war. In the end, the reader can take comfort in the knowledge that there is no perfect mother; nor is there a perfect balance when it comes to kids and career. The real challenge facing women today is not juggling their many roles, but realigning their expectations of what is possible and accepting that success does not equal "doing it all."


Good Enough is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood by Becky Beaupre Gillespie
Join a growing new wave of mothers who are learning to let go of the little things and focus on what they really want out of their career, their family and their life. Through their groundbreaking research, Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple have discovered a paradigm shift in motherhood today: more and more mothers are losing their "never enough" attitude and embracing a Good Enough mindset to be happier, more confident and more successful. Filled with inspiring firsthand accounts from working mothers and drawn from the latest research, Good Enough Is the New Perfect is a true road map for the incredible balancing act we call motherhood.

 I Just Want To Pee Alone 
Motherhood is the toughest – and funniest – job you'll ever love. Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can't even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand. Hasn't every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!” I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web.

Toddler Travel Tips

As you may have read in previous posts, I am currently in Austria and Italy with the Mini Fashionista and my +1. While the Mini has been on about 15 airplane trips in her nearly two years of life (including Mexico), this was her first time traveling across the pond. Since I know C&C has a lot of mom readers (and aunts), and Katie just did a post on adult travel, I thought I would share some of my toddler travel tips.

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

1) Bring snacks, lots and lots of snacks, that you know your little person loves, and bring way more than you think you will ever need. For the Mini that is Annie's cheddar bunnies and any type of fruit/veggie puree in the "squeezy pack". She calls it "juice". In our nearly 30 hours of travel to our destination in Austria these were pretty much the only things that she ate, despite being offered many other delicious choices.

Eating blueberries and mandarin oranges while wating for our car rental in the Munich Airport

2) Invest in some form of digital entertainment, dvd player, ipad, computer, etc. While it may not be something you let your child watch at home, you will be glad to have broken your rules. There is nothing better than a video to keep a toddler occupied on a long trip.

The Mini Fashionista "plugged in" while I wait in line to make a lost luggage claim for 2 of our bags

3) For long flights, get your child their own seat, even if they are under 2 years old. There is NO WAY I would have survived our 11 hour flight from LA to Paris with the Mini in my lap.

4) If you are bringing the carseat on the plane, invest in a Go-Go Babyz travelmate. It attaches to the back of the car seat making it into a "stroller".

The "Wagon" as the Mini calls it

Jet-Lag

This is probably the number one concern of all parents taking their children to far away places, I know it was mine, and I will be honest, it hasn't been easy. I did some "research" (a.k.a. google search) on toddler jet-lag before we departed, so at least I had some strategies going into it.

In 30 hours of travel, the Mini Fashionista only slept about 5 hours, 6 at the most. So we thought for sure she would crash hard upon our arrival, but that was wishful thinking. For the first 3 nights she woke up between the hours of 2:30 and 4:00 a.m. Following the advice of my "research", we kept the lights off, stayed in bed and eventually she fell back asleep within an hour or so. It was slightly painful, but we survived and by night 4 she was sleeping 10+ hours. We'll see how she adjusts once we are back home.

Here are my tips...some my own and others from my so called "research"! 

1) Say "au revoir" to your established, at-home schedule. A significant time change (9 hours in our case) is uncharted territory! Instead, identify a period of time, say 8-12, for bedtime and 5-10 for wakeup,  whatever suits your vacation schedule the best.

2) When your child wakes up in the middle of the night, keep the lights off (or on low) and don't allow her to use any sort of electronics. Light/motion stimulate the brain and will make it harder to catch those most needed zzzzzs.

3) Immediately adapt to the meal schedule of your new time zone. Hungry tummies often cause children to wake up during the night. If she does wake up in the middle of the night, a small snack, something without a lot of sugar (bagel, milk, yogurt, etc.) might help them go back to sleep.

5) Don't let your toddler nap too long during the day. It's just like having a newborn baby....if she sleeps too much during the day, chances are she won't sleep at night!

6) Give your child toys and books to play with as she falls asleep and possibly for in the middle of the night. This will mean less hands on time for you!

7) Allow yourself to break "the rules" you have at home. For us that meant the Mini Fashionista sleeping in our bed. Sometimes it was just easier for her to fall asleep cuddled up next to me, and if that meant I got to sleep faster, than so be it. It doesn't mean this will happen at home. It's back to her bed immediately upon our arrival.

8) Don't give up! It was super frustrating to go from a child that sleeps for 12 hours to a child that only slept for 5 or 6 hours at a time. I was exhausted from our travels and from being awake those first few nights. There were times when I thought "why did we do this?...we should have just stayed home", but eventually the Mini was able to sleep the whole night and I too got my sleep back.

I would love to hear if anyone else has great toddler travel tips!