Keeping it Real: Parenting

The last few months have been stressful in the parenting department. Words like psychologist, ADHD, evaluation, tutor, anxiety and a handful of others have been on top of mind. As anyone can imagine, these things make parenting really, really stressful. For any of you that have been here, you know what I'm talking about, and I assure you...you're not alone.

Long story short, the Mini Fashionista has been dealing with some anxiety. She has a hard time focusing on her school work because she is worried about what kids around her are doing. As I mentioned in a previous post, reading and writing are coming more slowly (but they are coming) and she compares herself to others in a detrimental way... often setting high and unrealistic expectations. While she has tremendous self confidence in many areas, she lacks self compassion in others.

If you read the blog regularly, you know that my go-to resource for all things parenting is Positive Parenting Solutions. If you have children between the ages of 2 and 18 I highly recommend checking it out (the Online Gold program is what I recommend).

A few months ago, amidst, the stress and worry,  I listened to a one hour Expert Series in the Positive Parenting Solutions program on anxiety. The podcast was led by child psychologist Renee Jain of GoZen and it was, like all the information on PPS, so incredibly helpful.

A few highlights....

1) Worry is a natural and protective response. It is not bad to worry.
2) Reassuring your child that "everything will be okay" is not a helpful tool to cope with anxiety. Help them by labeling their feelings and emotions.
3) When your child is worried/anxious and you can't think of what to say. "I love you and you're safe" is always a good response.
4) The goal is not to be stress free, but to stress better.
5) Worry is exaggerated thinking. We should teach our kids not to be positive thinkers, but accurate thinkers.

Not only did I learn some great tips to help the Mini (and myself...let's be honest, we all deal with some level of worry and anxiety), but I was introduced to Renee's incredible website/tool, GoZen.
GoZen! provides informational programs to teach kids research-based coping, resilience, and happiness skills using online cartoon videos. The Mini Fashionista doesn't get a lot of screen time, so I knew she'd be up for watching the videos, regardless of the content.

Here's a look at the topics of some of the modules.

We've only gone through the whole program once, but I've already noticed on a number of instances where she refers to the concepts and strategies from the videos, so I know that she's paying attention and really absorbing the information. We will likely start it again in the coming weeks to re-inforce the strategies they provide. 

If you have a child that is experiencing worry/anxiety I highly recommend this tool! So far it has been extremely helpful for our family. Also, feel free to reach out with any questions about how we are using it. 

Keeping it Real: What to do When Your Kids Lie?

A few weeks ago when Katie and her family were here visiting the Mini Fashionista got into Katie's eyeshadow. And when I say "got into Katie's eyeshadow" I mean she took the brush and dug a hole into the blue eyeshadow.

When Katie approached her about it, she, like most kids her age would do, denied it. So what did I do?

These are the tough parenting moments when I don't always know how to react. Luckily, Positive Parenting Solutions, my go-to-resource for all things parenting, gave me the tools to feel more effective in the way I handled it.

I did NOT ask her "Did you get into Katie's eyeshadow"? That's a loaded question that ensures your child will lie to you, and you already know the answer, so it accomplishes nothing. Instead, I was very straightforward. I addressed what she did, told her I wasn't mad about what she did but sorry that she felt the need to lie about it. We talk regularly about how lying is worse than telling the truth about doing something bad.

What I did next was the important part of the response. I didn't have to question why she did what she did. I know. She is interested in makeup. She asked for a makeup kit for Christmas, but I didn't give her one. I didn't give her makeup because all I could envision was a pile of broken eyeshadow caked into her rug....

So, here's what I said, "I know you're interested in makeup. I'm guessing that's why you were playing with Katie's makeup. How about we make a deal? Anytime you want to play with makeup, just ask, and we can do it."

So, we got out my newest Beauty Counter eye palette, and we played makeup. I piled on tons of eyeshadow and bronzer, and she loved it.

She loved it until we had to take it off, and then she hated it. Her eyes were irritated from the washcloth, and the skin under her eyes was red and irritated too. I'm guessing she won't want to play makeup for a while again.

Here are the tips that Positive Parenting Solutions gives to handle lying and the tools I used (not perfectly but from memory) to handle the situation. I hope these will help you in handling similar situations with your children.

1. Keep calm and parent on. Watch how you respond to misbehavior and mistakes in your home, whether it’s spilled juice on the carpet or unfinished chores. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice – yes, it can be tough, but it’s possible. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.

2. Don’t set up a lie. If you can see piles of laundry on your daughter’s floor, don’t ask her if she’s cleaned up her room yet. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. If you know Evan hasn’t touched his homework, ask him, “What are your plans for finishing your homework?” Instead of “Where did all this mud come from?” ask, “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse. It also teaches a lesson of what they can do next time – sitting down with homework right after school or taking off their shoes in the mudroom instead of the living room – to avoid problems.

3. Get the whole truth. While we may want to put our child on the spot when we catch them in a lie, accusing or blaming them will only make things worse. Getting to the root of the problem and understanding why she couldn’t be honest with you will help you encourage your child to tell the truth in the future. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “that sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?” You can use the information you glean to help her be more truthful in the future.

4. Celebrate honesty. Even if you’re upset that there’s a sea of water on the bathroom floor because your daughter tried to give her dolls a bath in the sink, commend her for coming to you and telling the truth. Tell her, “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”

5. Delight in do-overs. Think of mistakes as a way to learn how to make better choices. When we stay calm and avoid yelling or punishing our kids for mistakes, our kids will be more likely to admit their slip-ups in the future. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas. If someone else was affected – maybe he broke his sister’s scooter – ask what he can do to make it right with the other party.

6. Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.

7. Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Keeping it Real: This Stage of Life. It's Hard.

This was posted in my Positive Parent Solutions Facebook Group a week or so ago. No matter what your age or how many children you have, being a mom is hard work. It's rewarding and joyful and precious and hard.

This is worth the read. Every. Last. Word.

"This stage of life. It’s hard, you guys.

I’m talking right now to you moms who are in your late 20's to mid 30’s. You have kids. Likely two, three, maybe four of them. They probably range in age from newborns to 7 or 8 year-olds. (Give or take a few, on all of the above mentioned stats).

In this stage of life, you are dealing with exhaustion. Mental, physical, and emotional.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with teething. With ear infections. With stomach viruses. You are juggling nap schedules, and feeding schedules and soccer schedules. A million balls you are juggling, and you probably feel like you are dropping most of them.

In this stage of life, you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially. Guilt over being too harsh with your kids. Too lenient. Guilt that your house is clean, but your kids were ignored, or guilt that you enjoyed your children all day, and now your husband is coming home to filth. Guilt.

In this stage of life, you are bombarded daily with a whole host of decisions. Some of them life-changing, some of them not. None of them with clear cut answers. Do I vaccinate my kids? Do I not? Do I send them to public school? Homeschool? Charter school? Do I continue to breastfeed? Do I blow the budget so that I can buy all organic? Do I force my child to apologize, even though the apology will be insincere? You don’t know the answers to ANYTHING, but you feel constant pressure to figure out EVERYTHING.

This stage of life is less and less about watching your friends get married and have babies, and more and more about standing by and witnessing your friends struggle in their marriage, and even get divorced. It’s a stage where you’ve got to put in the time and the effort and the work and the energy to make sure your OWN marriage stays healthy. And that’s good, but it’s hard, too. At this point, you or someone you know has experienced infertility. Miscarriages. Loss of a child.

It’s a stage where you are buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, packing up houses. And then you do it all again a few years later.

It’s a stage where your hormones are all of of whack. I mean, you’ve basically been pregnant, postpartum, or breastfeeding for the last ten years, right?

It’s a stage where you are struggling with identity. Is my entire identity “mommy”? Is there anything even left of me that isn’t about mothering? Is there something more glamorous I could have/should have done with my life? I LOOK like a mom now, don’t I? I totally do.

It’s a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it.

It’s a stage of life where you are overloaded. Constantly. You are overloaded with questions. Your children never stop asking them. You are overloaded with touch. Someone is constantly wanting to be held, holding on to you, hanging on you, touching you. You are overloaded with to-do’s. There is so much to do. It never ends. You are overloaded with worry. You are overloaded with THINGS. Your kids have way too many toys. You are overloaded with activities. You are overloaded with THOUGHTS (thoughts about how to not be so overloaded, perhaps?).

It’s hard.

So….what do you need to do to survive it all?

You need to ask for help.

You need to accept help when it’s given.

You need to not neglect your marriage. You need to put your kids down for bed early. Sit outside on the back porch with your husband, drink a glass of wine, and have a conversation.

You need girlfriends.

You need your mom.

You need older friends, who have been there and done that. Who can reassure you that you AREN’T screwing it all up as badly as you think you are.

You need to not feel bad about using your kids nap time every now and again to just do whatever the heck you want.

You need to lower your expectations….then probably lower them again.

You need to simplify. Simplify every single part of your life, as much as it can be simplified.

You need to learn how to say “no”.

You need to practice contentment

You need to be ok leaving your kids overnight, and going away somewhere. Anywhere.

You need to do something you enjoy, every day, even if it’s for no more than 15 minutes.

You need to pray. Girl, you need to pray.

You need a coffee you love, a wine you love, and a bubble bath that you love.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, you need to remember that…..

….this stage of life is beautiful, too. Like, really really beautiful. This is the stage of life where every single older person you ever meet tells you, “you’re going to miss this”. And you already know it’s true. It’s the stage where your kids love you more than they are EVER going to love you again, for the whole rest of your life. It’s the stage where they can fit their entire selves into your lap to snuggle…and they want to. It’s the stage where their biggest problems ARE ear infections and teething and stomach viruses, and you’re not having to deal yet with things like broken hearts or addiction or bullying. It’s the stage where you are learning to love your spouse in an entirely different….harder…..better…. way. The stage where you are learning together, being stretched together, shedding your selfishness together, and TRULY being made into “one”. It’s the stage where you get to see Christmas, Halloween through your kids eyes, and it’s so much more fun and magical than it would be just through your own eyes. It’s the stage where you get to watch your parents be grandparents…and they’re really good at it. It’s the stage of life filled with field trips, class parties, costumes, swim lessons, bubble baths, dance parties, loose teeth, and first steps. And those things are so fun. It’s the stage where you are young enough to have fun, and old enough to have obtained at least SOME wisdom. It’s SUCH a great stage.

But, man it’s hard."

-author unknown